Shoplifting

It's only called shoplifting if you get caught, otherwise it's just helping yourself.

So what, it's more exciting if you know people are watching why do you think your reputation is in tatters in the first place. When I said take it home you're the one that went behind the bins not me. Frankly I'm still healing.

Are you taking this or what? If not let's go get a coffee I've got shit I wanna do today. Otherwise put your greasy little mits around it and gentley slid it under your shirt.  That's it nice and slowly, what a star, now if only we can get you out of Poundland and into HSBC we'll be sorted.

Quantum Leap

You remember that episode of Quantum Leap where Al and Sam switched places, well get ready...

A Dog's Life

You know they shit in there?

And nothing, that isn't really the point. It may seem like a good idea now but trust me you'll feel like shit in about 10 minutes I guarantee it.

Oh in we go, that's actually pretty good. Move over.

Undercover Investigation

It's just as you thought, six nipples.

Getting Dressed

I really don't like this orange beret, it makes me look stupid. Change it.

That's not funny, what makes you think a fez is any better? Save it for the holiday.

That's a no on clown shoes as well.

Yes it does piss me off, you're crossing a line.

I don't care if only you can see me, that's not the point.

Look just give me back my leather jacket and comb or we'll have a problem.

What did I just say?

Fine if you want to play it like this then that's fine by me. Just don't expect any back-up at the board meeting later.

Competition Time

I've just heard Jeff giving what should've been our supervisor's job to Shelia.  I think it's time we showed her the photographs.

A Quandary

Bollocks, that is not the face of a post surgical patient, that's an abortion mope if ever I've seen one. Look at her eyes, there is no life there, healing has long since lost its hold. Besides she got her boobs realigned last year. I'm thinking Carl up in accounts but why she'd kill his baby I'll never know, she won't do any better and he's such a lovely guy, although apparently his therapy skills aren't on par with what I've been hearing.

Wishing

You do realise Hogwarts isn't a real place right?

Japes

It's not blackmailing if you have nothing to gain, what we're doing is simply fun.

Hippyfest

It's not the TV they really are that old.

Guess What?

You have a kind of sick desperation in you laugh.

Sightseeing

You've got to admire these astronauts, when they go for addiction they don't half do it right. Shit, rains' coming in, give me your umbrella.

eBay

Frayed ends, faded pattern, snot on the right sleeve, that's eBay, and on her salary.  It makes you sad.

kNOwledge

Look she won't win, this isn't a competition anymore it's a disaster parade so just sit back and get your despair on.

The Professional

When I'm done you won't even remember her name let alone the fact she still has the choicest cuts from your CD collection.  Now lay back and let the master work.

Money For Nothing

Bet black, I've got a feeling.


...


I didn't say it was a good one.

Misconceptions

For the last time I don't know what it is like in the future, but if you keep up this line of questioning I could hazard a pretty good guess.

Needs Must

Just hold it steady and make sure the safety is off, trust me it's easier than you think.  You're gonna be great.

Boundaries

For the last time I'm not looking at it.  You're the one who cosied up to a stray at the office party and you're the one whose going to drag themselves to the doctor and explain why you make such bad life decisions.

Travesty

Really, putting on make-up in the forecourt? You know those horns aren't blasting out support? Is this how it will be from now on?

Dilemma

You called it, faker than a politician's smile. I take it we are still going in?

Spiritual Matters

Cod is a fish, God is a deity.  I can see the confusion but if you make that mistake again we're going to be branded as a retard.

The Endless Struggle

Shame your fat chum drank all the Dr. Pepper we'll just have to make do.  I say go for the Pepsi, it's not Max but trust me it's better than the Coca-Cola.  

In Treatment

Jesus, this is revolting, what kind of stupid Edwardian logic is this Poppins lady advocating?  The only thing that's going to keep this radiotherapy down is a big fat bale of weed.  

Party At Nan's

You're throwing off my timing and by the looks your relatives are throwing our way we've hit a new level of disdain.  It's left leg in, right leg out.  I can't simplify it anymore.  

Not Again

If you wanted a warm place to rest your genitals I'd have knocked you up a hot water bottle.  Is this really how you want to ring in the new year?  I mean look at them.  Snoring away precious eating time while the remnants of last nights nibbles clog up their nostrils.  I'm going for a walk and I expect the house to be quieter when I return.